You have been suffering. All of your adolescent and adult life you have been horrifically suffering. The beatings by your father don’t hurt you as much, physically, as the overwhelming, incessant feeling of guilt does, mentally.
You know you are not just displeasing Allah, you are an abomination to Him. Worse than women, worse than the animals even. And if this ever comes out, you will be bringing the greatest dishonour on your family, a shame that can never be erased.
But you just cannot stop. You have tried to live the righteous life, as demanded by your father, your culture, your religion, by Allah and His Messenger, by the Holy Books, by the scholars, by the imams at Mosque. But the urge, the desire is too strong. Every time you go astray, you feel delight and an overpowering guilt at the same time. You even start avoiding going to the Mosque. It’s too painful, too hypocritical to seek the presence of Allah when you know you’re such an abomination.
To forget the shame and guilt, you often drink, heavily. It numbs the pain, and makes you temporarily forget about the eternal hellfire that’s awaiting you. When you drink, you feel on top of the world. You don’t think of your father, of shame, of dishonour, of hellfire, only of delight, power and lust.
When you have drunk enough, you contact gay men through an app on your phone. In that delightful haze, you feel attractive, masculine, a powerhouse, and you feel that men should desire you. How could they not?
So, when they reject you, one after the other, you just don’t understand. What’s wrong with them?
You frequent this gay club, The Pulse. There too, you get drunk, very, very drunk. When the haze starts to come over you, you start feeling on top of the world again. You look in drunken lust at the men’s gleaming abs and biceps, highlighted, accentuated by the club’s many multicoloured spotlights. You have the occasional sexual encounter there. But when most men start avoiding you, rejecting you, you feel a rage coming up that’s hard to contain. Sometimes you get in trouble, and the bouncers will kick you out. Sometimes you’ll just leave and go home. But there’s always the emptiness.
The next morning, with the hangovers, the guilt and shame return, like clockwork. You often take out your anger on your wife, sometimes physically too. She’s afraid of you, but she’s devout and knows how to be an obedient wife. She knows her place.
You have been thinking of ways to break this circle of shame and guilt, to escape this downward spiral that will take you straight to the hellfire, where eternal torture awaits you. You’ve never doubted the Holy Scriptures.
The realisation starts dawning on you that you will have to act before it’s too late. Your evil, disgusting deeds can in no way be offset by some minor good deeds. Doing some charity work, having the occasional sex with your wife in disgust, praying and fasting, reading Scripture, nothing will make up for the abominable thoughts and acts.
Only something truly great for the sake of Allah will erase your sins. Only an act of glorious Jihad can balance the scale in your favour.
And you know that, once you will have entered Jannah, your lust will be for the hoories that await you. Your desire will finally be as man’s desire should be. You cannot imagine it now, even your wife’s body disgusts you, but you know that all will be well once you will have reached Jannah. There, you will desire the female hoories. You will not just be normal, you will be a Martyr, righteous in the eyes of Allah.
What better way of Jihad than to sacrifice as many of your own, abominable kind as you possibly can? Finally, you will not only have your revenge on all those who rejected you, you will also do the most righteous act you can possibly do.
You have decided. You prepare for your act. You acquire the weapons you’ll need. The executions will not be in traditional Islamic style, but you know that Allah will forgive you.
Some nights later, you go to the club. It’s about to close, but you know it’ll still be packed.
You start pulling the trigger. People fall. You smile. You’re happy. You’re on your way to Jannah. You are finally absolving yourself.